The plumber’s décolleté

This text is part of a collection of flatsharing tales.

These short tales are rooted in reality, but to protect the identities of the main characters (and the writer’s own safety), certain details have been altered. The reader is invited to decide what is fact, and what is fiction.

On a side note, the author wishes some parts of the details were indeed fiction, and not reality.

6:30 am on a weekend day in Dublin city. I wake up, not too sure why. See I’m slightly groggy after a Friday night-out in the city. Drinks were had, craic was mighty. 6:30 is a tad early.

But, there are clinking noises inside the flat. Now that’s unusual. The haziness starts fading, the heart pounding. And the sudden realisation: the flatmates are not here this weekend. So, what is doing that noise?

Let’s lay back down a bit. Maybe it was in my head. No, there is definitely something or someone inside the flat, touching some metal thingies.

Ok, we can either hide under the duvet or be brave and see what is going on. Moved by some sense of bravery, perhaps brought by the remaining alcohol levels in my system, I decide to see what is going on, arming myself with my keys in my knuckle.

It is important to highlight here that at that moment, I’m a hungover 20-something young woman, alone in a flat and absolutely not at my fittest - the perfect prey.

Anyways, I open the door discreetly, which gives nonetheless a nice creaking weep, and I tighten my key-armed knuckle.

I can see, at the end of the corridor, that the front door is wide-open. That’s the first thing my eyes notice. But the second thing they set onto… Readers.. Brace yourself… the most fabulous plumber’s crack you’ve ever seen. So fab indeed that we could frankly call it a décolleté. And attached to that butt, the landlord, scrambling away by the boiler.

‘Oh it is yourself’, he says. ‘I thought no one was in today. Sorry about the barging in, I came by to fix the boiler. Didn’t mean to scare you.’

And with that last sentence we finish this anecdote.

We’ll just add one thing: the boiler fixes worked for three days. Followed by a month of the greatest shower system an 800€ a month rent could offer: first boil some water in a teapot, repeat. Fill the hot water in some kinds of bassin. Bring it to the bath tub and fill it with the tap’s cold water. Mix and splash yourself.